*sigh*
Here I go again. Three days in a row with the stomach issue rearing it's ugly head. Tonight is the worst of the 3 and I just feel like hiding my face in my pillow and crying myself to sleep. I can find nothing that seems to make it flare up, nothing new to eat, not upset, not over excited. Nothing. I feel so discouraged. Just about the time I start to feel comfortable and optimistic, back it comes.
I missed out on family night because of this.
I.....I.....I wish I was a real girl again.
...lone tear falls creekside
Friday, December 9, 2011
Wednesday, November 30, 2011
After the Thanks...
So it has been a while since I had much to say. Well, rather since I have felt like "saying" it as I do not type well. Someday I shall have a gadget into which I speak and it will magically type the words for me. Someday...
Our Thanksving Day was nice but oh what a comedy of errors the whole day was. I am not even sure I could relate just how much went awry. In the end...several hours after the scheduled time...we all sat down to eat and it mostly all tasted very good, but if you look closely at the pictures (that I shall never post *g*) you will see that while my hair was freshly, albeit just minutes before dinner, washed, it is not coiffed. I simply forgot to fix it! I also don't have any makeup on, I didn't forget it, I just simply didn't even think of it.
Shall I tell you about the bread machine not mixing and kneading the dough I had so painstakingly made for rolls? How about the blowing up of the microwave? Aforementioned rolls that were redone taking twice the amount of time to bake thus taking up all the oven space? The forgetting of making the PUNKIN PIE?
Oy...what a silly day. Truly, it had gotten so crazy that with each catastrophe all we could do was giggle and make do. Good plan and one I am not sure a couple years ago I could have implemented. But things change, we grow and we move on.
This past year and a half has been a time of growing for me, a refining in the fire, as the Bible verse talks about. I didn't chose it, I don't think I ever would chose it if given the choice. But there it was anyway whether I liked it or not (I didn't. I don't!) But it has changed me and much of that change is for the better, I know it is.
I am a calmer, quieter, more accepting girl than I was. I am better able to change tracts and tactics if need be. I have learned to lower my expectations of myself and others and not have lofty hard to acheive goals. I have learned to see the beauty in simple things. That mantle can be lovely with just a few lil punkins because I could not get out to gather mass amounts of colored leaves to add to it. It shall be lovely with just a single branch of evergreen or a few colored Christmas balls laid on it. A tree can be magical all by itself when the light of the fireplace plays over it's branches. And the pine scented teddy bear can adaquatly thrill the olfactory senses because a "real" Christmas tree is not in the cards. Gentle Holiday music playing is a joy and a quiet day with a nice pot of soup in the crockpot is a comfort. Having any one of the family here to share this with is bliss of the best sort, even if it is just CreekBoy...*gentle chuckles*
The hubby, the kidslings, grandkidlings, furred and skinned, can tract in debris, spread mud or rain everywhere, make a mess, use my "good" stuff and play with my "toys", eat all the good food, eat all the bad food...lol. And things can get broken or lost. I really am okay with all that. I am more patient, more tolerant, more understsnding, more accepting of so many things and situations. Because I am changing, being refined, coming to terms with what will matter most both today and when I am gone. People, it is the people in your life, that is the most important, the most precious.
I want to be remembered as that person who loved her family to distraction, that gave anything and everything and who always had time for a talk, a giggle, a hug, a snuggle, a story. I may not be able to play chase, hike up a mountain, cook a five course meal or travel across the counrty in a marathon dash. I accept that those days are forever gone. But I don't want to have the memory of me tainted by my illness, I am so much more than my illness!
Yes, I do understand that it has changed me, limited me, in many ways diminished me.....but it also has made me more than I was, made my heart bigger than it was. As my outside world has shrunk more and more, my inside world have gotten bigger and bigger. And since this past year and a half, it has gotten better and better. I am evolving in a good way. Thru all the pain, all the sickness, all the dark days and darker nights, it is good, I am good.
And how much better a way could one end this season of thankfulness than to say...It is good...?
Lisa, thankfully, creekside...
Our Thanksving Day was nice but oh what a comedy of errors the whole day was. I am not even sure I could relate just how much went awry. In the end...several hours after the scheduled time...we all sat down to eat and it mostly all tasted very good, but if you look closely at the pictures (that I shall never post *g*) you will see that while my hair was freshly, albeit just minutes before dinner, washed, it is not coiffed. I simply forgot to fix it! I also don't have any makeup on, I didn't forget it, I just simply didn't even think of it.
Shall I tell you about the bread machine not mixing and kneading the dough I had so painstakingly made for rolls? How about the blowing up of the microwave? Aforementioned rolls that were redone taking twice the amount of time to bake thus taking up all the oven space? The forgetting of making the PUNKIN PIE?
Oy...what a silly day. Truly, it had gotten so crazy that with each catastrophe all we could do was giggle and make do. Good plan and one I am not sure a couple years ago I could have implemented. But things change, we grow and we move on.
This past year and a half has been a time of growing for me, a refining in the fire, as the Bible verse talks about. I didn't chose it, I don't think I ever would chose it if given the choice. But there it was anyway whether I liked it or not (I didn't. I don't!) But it has changed me and much of that change is for the better, I know it is.
I am a calmer, quieter, more accepting girl than I was. I am better able to change tracts and tactics if need be. I have learned to lower my expectations of myself and others and not have lofty hard to acheive goals. I have learned to see the beauty in simple things. That mantle can be lovely with just a few lil punkins because I could not get out to gather mass amounts of colored leaves to add to it. It shall be lovely with just a single branch of evergreen or a few colored Christmas balls laid on it. A tree can be magical all by itself when the light of the fireplace plays over it's branches. And the pine scented teddy bear can adaquatly thrill the olfactory senses because a "real" Christmas tree is not in the cards. Gentle Holiday music playing is a joy and a quiet day with a nice pot of soup in the crockpot is a comfort. Having any one of the family here to share this with is bliss of the best sort, even if it is just CreekBoy...*gentle chuckles*
The hubby, the kidslings, grandkidlings, furred and skinned, can tract in debris, spread mud or rain everywhere, make a mess, use my "good" stuff and play with my "toys", eat all the good food, eat all the bad food...lol. And things can get broken or lost. I really am okay with all that. I am more patient, more tolerant, more understsnding, more accepting of so many things and situations. Because I am changing, being refined, coming to terms with what will matter most both today and when I am gone. People, it is the people in your life, that is the most important, the most precious.
I want to be remembered as that person who loved her family to distraction, that gave anything and everything and who always had time for a talk, a giggle, a hug, a snuggle, a story. I may not be able to play chase, hike up a mountain, cook a five course meal or travel across the counrty in a marathon dash. I accept that those days are forever gone. But I don't want to have the memory of me tainted by my illness, I am so much more than my illness!
Yes, I do understand that it has changed me, limited me, in many ways diminished me.....but it also has made me more than I was, made my heart bigger than it was. As my outside world has shrunk more and more, my inside world have gotten bigger and bigger. And since this past year and a half, it has gotten better and better. I am evolving in a good way. Thru all the pain, all the sickness, all the dark days and darker nights, it is good, I am good.
And how much better a way could one end this season of thankfulness than to say...It is good...?
Lisa, thankfully, creekside...
Tuesday, November 22, 2011
No sun today...
I have such a hard time not falling into my self-ascribed role of Lil Mary Sunshine.
Somewhere along the timeline of my life I was given or mistakenly assumed the idea that one (by that I mean those of us of the female persuasion, guys seemed to be exempt from this requitement) must at all times put on a happy face or at least a quietly non grumpy face, regardless of what is really going on inside or outside of ourselves. I did this for so many years, too many years.
Today, I am simply too tired to do this. I am in too much pain to do this. Nothing earth shattering is going on, no sobbing in a fetal position in the floor of scaulding hot shower sized pain. just a throbbing cold I-will-not-relent kinda pain. A front is moving in, drizzly, gray, day, not really chilly but less temperate than the past days. These can be my worst days, the changing weather days. And being dark doesn't help me be Lil Mary Sunshine. So.....there you go.
I hate to post downer stuff. I hate to talk downer stuff. If I let everyone know how I was really feeling all the time, nobody would ever want to talk to me...lol. Because I am always in pain. Always. It never ever stops. Ever. It is merely a queston of what level it is on and it has been this way for 25 years or more.
I can't think about that, how long it has been, it makes me sad to think about how I used to be and how long I have been like this. I can't think about the future. If I had to really face the possibility of 25 more years of this, I would go insane. I have become quite good at just being here today, mostly in the now of today. It is how I get by.
My Lil Mary Sunshine act helps alot with this. But today...today I have no sunshine, it is a dark drizzly not quite temperate day and I simply do not wish to play at the role. So I shan't but I will apologize to you if you are a hater of anything "cloudy" and beg you to merely come back another day when the sun is shining...creekside
Somewhere along the timeline of my life I was given or mistakenly assumed the idea that one (by that I mean those of us of the female persuasion, guys seemed to be exempt from this requitement) must at all times put on a happy face or at least a quietly non grumpy face, regardless of what is really going on inside or outside of ourselves. I did this for so many years, too many years.
Today, I am simply too tired to do this. I am in too much pain to do this. Nothing earth shattering is going on, no sobbing in a fetal position in the floor of scaulding hot shower sized pain. just a throbbing cold I-will-not-relent kinda pain. A front is moving in, drizzly, gray, day, not really chilly but less temperate than the past days. These can be my worst days, the changing weather days. And being dark doesn't help me be Lil Mary Sunshine. So.....there you go.
I hate to post downer stuff. I hate to talk downer stuff. If I let everyone know how I was really feeling all the time, nobody would ever want to talk to me...lol. Because I am always in pain. Always. It never ever stops. Ever. It is merely a queston of what level it is on and it has been this way for 25 years or more.
I can't think about that, how long it has been, it makes me sad to think about how I used to be and how long I have been like this. I can't think about the future. If I had to really face the possibility of 25 more years of this, I would go insane. I have become quite good at just being here today, mostly in the now of today. It is how I get by.
My Lil Mary Sunshine act helps alot with this. But today...today I have no sunshine, it is a dark drizzly not quite temperate day and I simply do not wish to play at the role. So I shan't but I will apologize to you if you are a hater of anything "cloudy" and beg you to merely come back another day when the sun is shining...creekside
Friday, November 18, 2011
Lovely to look at but do not touch Friday
What in the world does that mean, you ask.....
Well, I'll tell you. Today is such a beautiful "Autumn" day, sunny to the point of shimmery after the monsoonlike rains of the past day and a half. Huge droplets of moisture are hanging on the golden and red leaves still attached to the trees. Those leaves lying on the ground are glistening, too. Altogether a lovely sight to see from the picture window creekside.
But "Whoa, Nelly" if you dare step outside. It is in the low 40's today with a harsh gusty wind whooshing thru from time to time. Brrr.....not lovely at all deckside.
So Mr. Fursome just had to do his business quick like a bunny because I could not stay out there very long with him. Our fence is still down, that 16 foot section that was taken out during the hurricane back in the summer. The one that took out our biggest tree creekside that took out 4 others along with the fence, as it came down. Sad. So now we have to escort the furkid when he needs to go out because his Mum does not trust that said kid will not see a squirrel, raccoon, deer, beaver, groundhog or fox thru said opening and take off for a lil traipse thru the woods to play with said critters...lol... His Daddy thinks he is a good sensible boy who would just politely chase aforementioned critters out of the yard they might have unintentionally wandered into.
Pfffttt.....pardon my French.
So there is the story behind the rather odd title. And that is our day today here, creekside. : )
Well, I'll tell you. Today is such a beautiful "Autumn" day, sunny to the point of shimmery after the monsoonlike rains of the past day and a half. Huge droplets of moisture are hanging on the golden and red leaves still attached to the trees. Those leaves lying on the ground are glistening, too. Altogether a lovely sight to see from the picture window creekside.
But "Whoa, Nelly" if you dare step outside. It is in the low 40's today with a harsh gusty wind whooshing thru from time to time. Brrr.....not lovely at all deckside.
So Mr. Fursome just had to do his business quick like a bunny because I could not stay out there very long with him. Our fence is still down, that 16 foot section that was taken out during the hurricane back in the summer. The one that took out our biggest tree creekside that took out 4 others along with the fence, as it came down. Sad. So now we have to escort the furkid when he needs to go out because his Mum does not trust that said kid will not see a squirrel, raccoon, deer, beaver, groundhog or fox thru said opening and take off for a lil traipse thru the woods to play with said critters...lol... His Daddy thinks he is a good sensible boy who would just politely chase aforementioned critters out of the yard they might have unintentionally wandered into.
Pfffttt.....pardon my French.
So there is the story behind the rather odd title. And that is our day today here, creekside. : )
Thursday, November 17, 2011
11/17/11 Thankful Thursday
Yet again, it is Thursday. Maybe it is because Thursday has a purpose to it that I seem to take more note of it. ?
It is a really cold really wet day today, giving a glimpse to what the next months are bringing. I am thankful it is not yet winter. My bones are already cold and achy, needing 5 layers on my right hip. Plus a blankie and usually a hot pad. I am not thankful for the weather ahead. But today am thankful to be inside under the quilts with a hot pad.
I am a bit blue today for some reason, maybe the weather, the pain, being home alone. I wish I had a fire going, hot spicey chocolate in a Holiday cup, listening to Holiday music with all my fam around.
But wait.....this is supposed to be a Thankful Thursday post.......so maybe I will just pretend it is Moody Monday instead???
Nah...let me just take a minute, I'll get back to where I am supposed to be...
I am thankful that I got my new microwaveable heat pad from Amazon. I am sitting on it now. A couple of weeks ago I was heating up my flaxseed pad, late one night after having taken a sleeping pill, in the dark, with no glasses on. Need I say more? No, I didn't think so. Let me just advise that 20 min is waaaay too long a time to heat flax seeds in a microwave. The oven and back part of the house still smell wretched. I truly think a new oven will have to be purchased. And a bad time to have to keep windows in said part of house cracked open. *sigh*
Oops....moodiness seeping thru again.....
Hmmm.....
I am thankful for the "criver" (a not quite river + bigger than a creek = criver) running wild and free today after the massive amounts of rain we have had since last night. I love it when it is like this. So up I got myself and trekked creekside to take some pix to show you. And I am THANKFUL to be able to say that (1) I made it back alive and dry and (2) my mood is much improved. : )
So here is said pix...
Before rain...
Today...
As you can see...a big difference, indeed. No walking down by the creek for us today.
So for now, Bay and I will leave you.......criverside.
It is a really cold really wet day today, giving a glimpse to what the next months are bringing. I am thankful it is not yet winter. My bones are already cold and achy, needing 5 layers on my right hip. Plus a blankie and usually a hot pad. I am not thankful for the weather ahead. But today am thankful to be inside under the quilts with a hot pad.
I am a bit blue today for some reason, maybe the weather, the pain, being home alone. I wish I had a fire going, hot spicey chocolate in a Holiday cup, listening to Holiday music with all my fam around.
But wait.....this is supposed to be a Thankful Thursday post.......so maybe I will just pretend it is Moody Monday instead???
Nah...let me just take a minute, I'll get back to where I am supposed to be...
I am thankful that I got my new microwaveable heat pad from Amazon. I am sitting on it now. A couple of weeks ago I was heating up my flaxseed pad, late one night after having taken a sleeping pill, in the dark, with no glasses on. Need I say more? No, I didn't think so. Let me just advise that 20 min is waaaay too long a time to heat flax seeds in a microwave. The oven and back part of the house still smell wretched. I truly think a new oven will have to be purchased. And a bad time to have to keep windows in said part of house cracked open. *sigh*
Oops....moodiness seeping thru again.....
Hmmm.....
I am thankful for the "criver" (a not quite river + bigger than a creek = criver) running wild and free today after the massive amounts of rain we have had since last night. I love it when it is like this. So up I got myself and trekked creekside to take some pix to show you. And I am THANKFUL to be able to say that (1) I made it back alive and dry and (2) my mood is much improved. : )
So here is said pix...
As you can see...a big difference, indeed. No walking down by the creek for us today.
So for now, Bay and I will leave you.......criverside.
Friday, November 11, 2011
11-10 Thankful Thursday
I know, I know...it is actually Friday, but I missed yesterday because I was recouping from a big thankful event for me from the night before. Two of my best guys, DH NatureBoyCameraMan and DS BaseballBoy, along with DS's best girl, went to see one of my fav singing groups: Straight No Chaser!!
I had a wonderful time! I have been sending round, each holiday season, their video of "The 12 Days of Christmas" since it 1st was on youtube and finally I got to see it in person. How fab is that?!?
They took us across the gammit. Buddy Holly to Beiber. Beetles to Buble. Gaga to Jackson. Elvis to Otis and just about everywhere in between. Loved loved loved it. I could have sat there (dancing in my seat and clapping to the music) for days...lol.
And today I had the privilege of watching my lil Sweetie in the 2nd grade (with another lil sweetie in my lap) doing a tribute show for Veterans. Her biggest wish for the day was that her Uncle FlyBoy had been in the audience. But, well, he is busy serving his country and for that I am again grateful. He is a wonderful man and I am so proud of him. : )
I also got to Skype with FlyBoy, his lovely wife and their Lil Guy, my 3rd lil sweetie, this week. Another thankful event.
I am thankful that I got to "prepare" Thanksgiving Dinner for my Penny, Queen of England, thanks to Abel and Cole, and I didn't even have to wash pots and dishes...very kewl.
All and all, a week just full of things to be thankful for. And for that I am thankful.....creekside
<iframe width="420" height="315" src="http://www.youtube.com/embed/2Fe11OlMiz8" frameborder="0" allowfullscreen></iframe>
I had a wonderful time! I have been sending round, each holiday season, their video of "The 12 Days of Christmas" since it 1st was on youtube and finally I got to see it in person. How fab is that?!?
They took us across the gammit. Buddy Holly to Beiber. Beetles to Buble. Gaga to Jackson. Elvis to Otis and just about everywhere in between. Loved loved loved it. I could have sat there (dancing in my seat and clapping to the music) for days...lol.
And today I had the privilege of watching my lil Sweetie in the 2nd grade (with another lil sweetie in my lap) doing a tribute show for Veterans. Her biggest wish for the day was that her Uncle FlyBoy had been in the audience. But, well, he is busy serving his country and for that I am again grateful. He is a wonderful man and I am so proud of him. : )
I also got to Skype with FlyBoy, his lovely wife and their Lil Guy, my 3rd lil sweetie, this week. Another thankful event.
I am thankful that I got to "prepare" Thanksgiving Dinner for my Penny, Queen of England, thanks to Abel and Cole, and I didn't even have to wash pots and dishes...very kewl.
All and all, a week just full of things to be thankful for. And for that I am thankful.....creekside
<iframe width="420" height="315" src="http://www.youtube.com/embed/2Fe11OlMiz8" frameborder="0" allowfullscreen></iframe>
Tuesday, November 8, 2011
Tuesday...
Tuesday is a rather uninspiring day, in my opinion. Thankfully it is not Monday but it really does not have anything that makes it stand out in the week. I wonder why?
Usually I am recovering from Monday on Tuesday so it remains a quiet day in my week. Rarely do I make plans to do anything on Tuesday. I simply haven't made up enough energy for anything yet. So I read, sit on the deck if it is a nice enough day to do so like it was today, check out facebook and blogs that I follow, maybe watch tv but not usually (oddly enough that takes a bit of energy that hasn't been built up enough). Like I said, rather uninspiring.
Oh well...at least it is not Monday. I do so dislike Monday.
And that is all I got to say about that.......creekside
Usually I am recovering from Monday on Tuesday so it remains a quiet day in my week. Rarely do I make plans to do anything on Tuesday. I simply haven't made up enough energy for anything yet. So I read, sit on the deck if it is a nice enough day to do so like it was today, check out facebook and blogs that I follow, maybe watch tv but not usually (oddly enough that takes a bit of energy that hasn't been built up enough). Like I said, rather uninspiring.
Oh well...at least it is not Monday. I do so dislike Monday.
And that is all I got to say about that.......creekside
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)