No sun today...

I have such a hard time not falling into my self-ascribed role of Lil Mary Sunshine.
Somewhere along the timeline of my life I was given or mistakenly assumed the idea that one (by that I mean those of us of the female persuasion, guys seemed to be exempt from this requitement) must at all times put on a happy face or at least a quietly non grumpy face, regardless of what is really going on inside or outside of ourselves. I did this for so many years, too many years.

Today, I am simply too tired to do this. I am in too much pain to do this. Nothing earth shattering is going on, no sobbing in a fetal position in the floor of scaulding hot shower sized pain. just a throbbing cold I-will-not-relent kinda pain. A front is moving in, drizzly, gray, day, not really chilly but less temperate than the past days. These can be my worst days, the changing weather days. And being dark doesn't help me be Lil Mary Sunshine. So.....there you go.

I hate to post downer stuff. I hate to talk downer stuff. If I let everyone know how I was really feeling all the time, nobody would ever want to talk to me...lol. Because I am always in pain. Always. It never ever stops. Ever. It is merely a queston of what level it is on and it has been this way for 25 years or more.

I can't think about that, how long it has been, it makes me sad to think about how I used to be and how long I have been like this. I can't think about the future. If I had to really face the possibility of 25 more years of this, I would go insane. I have become quite good at just being here today, mostly in the now of today. It is how I get by.

My Lil Mary Sunshine act helps alot with this. But today...today I have no sunshine, it is a dark drizzly not quite temperate day and I simply do not wish to play at the role. So I shan't but I will apologize to you if you are a hater of anything "cloudy" and beg you to merely come back another day when the sun is shining...creekside